When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself
- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Let’s be real: we all play the judgment game. Whether it’s making judgments about ourselves or others, everyone does it at some time or another.
Judging is a natural defense mechanism – it’s a great ego boost as we feel safe in the knowledge we’re ‘doing’ it better. But judging has many pitfalls and most of the time works against, rather than for, you.
My judgmental self
Frankly, back in the day before I became self-aware, I was all sorts of judgmental towards myself and others. Judging others in particular, made me feel better about myself as when someone didn’t live up to my ridiculous expectations or standards, I felt like maybe I knew what I was doing. How wrong I was!
It’s not about them, it’s about you
When I judged others, I didn’t realize I was judging them based on my own insecurities and fears. As the years passed and I noticed the need to judge creep its way into my head, I learned to get curious and ask myself, ‘What is this person triggering in me?’. Ten times out of ten, the answer was based on my own worries or fears, whatever they might have been.
Curb the need to judge so you can get back to your true self
When you act judgmental, you’re out of alignment with your true self. Our true nature is to be loving and accepting but when shit happens, our first response is fear. And out of that comes a need to judge, rightly or wrongly, and that becomes a habit so we feel safe.
I’m not saying you should stop judging altogether. We all have to make judgments to progress in this journey of life. What I am saying is be discerning about it. Use your logic and intuition to make rational decisions about behavior or issues. At the same time, remove your need to look down on, or criticize others for their behavior. This is one of the most toxic parts of being judgmental, and gets you nowhere fast.
Another important realization is that everyone is at a different stage in their journey. Perhaps the person you’re so easily judging hasn’t had the life experiences or knowledge to make the best decisions. Remember we don’t know what we don’t know until we are ready to know it. Flip your judgment to compassion and see how quickly you’ll enjoy the beautiful rewards it brings.
Self-judgment is the most sabotaging form
If we’re constantly judging and hating on ourselves, that’s all we’ll ever do to others too. That’s why the most important place to start with releasing judgment is to develop compassion for yourself.
As you start to practice self-compassion, you’ll notice something amazing. Not only will you feel better about yourself, but you will naturally begin to have compassion for others. Before you know it, you’ll begin to drop your judging ways.
Practice this
The next time you catch yourself starting to self-judge, or judging someone else, step back and get curious. Ask yourself – ‘What fear is this person bringing up in me?’. The answer will help direct you towards what you should work on to allow you to release your need to judge. And should you want some support working through those fears, I’d love to help, so please connect with me.
Final tip: if you’re interested in finding out more about how to release judgment to live a better life, I highly recommend Gabrielle Bernstein’s book Judgment Detox.